Thoughts on…Parenthood

The Lord has been highlighting to me recently how stuck we can get when it comes to certain mindsets around parenthood. We tend to insist that one way is the right way or we see that one system, method, or idea promises an ease that will permeate the whole house. However, I’m going to recommend that more than having the right systems, rhythms, and expectations in place, what we need is practical discernment and attentiveness to the uniqueness of each child as well as our season.

For example, your oldest child might have a strong personality and the second a laid-back one, or vice versa. What might be the best way to learn might not hold true for both kids. I was advised as a first-time mom, not to set expectations about pregnancy, birth, or raising children. Specifically, because we are often surprised when we set expectations that aren’t met. This made me cultivate an awareness of what my tastebuds did in each pregnancy, what symptoms and emotions I experienced, and how each kid picked up their basic skills. Liam learns by doing it himself and making mistakes until he gets it right. He wants to try everything first before I explain it to him. Leo on the other hand, is a visual learner. He will watch how I pick up a Cheerio and eat it. Then he quickly learns to execute the motion.

While there’s nothing wrong with choosing baby-led weaning or sleep sacks. There’s no shame in breastfeeding or formula feeding. What really matters are these things:

• Get out of the Box

• Cultivate Clarity

• Openness and Receptivity to Growth

Get Out of the Box

We all love a good box. All my kids had this or all my kids learned this way is great until you’re thrown that curveball kid and you think “What just happened?” I think that the true purpose of this is to remind us first of humility and secondly that we need to use active discernment. You may ask the Lord about a certain form of discipline and get the same answer every time, but you would have still gone to Him first, seeking a better understanding of the task. Whereas, setting ourselves in stone early does not allow us to shift as necessary.

A tangible example is this: With my first I used baby purees for a while and slowly added in more solids as the number of teeth he had increased. In my postpartum haze after baby number two, I began to research again the ways you can transition to solid foods and I came across baby-led weaning. I learned the system and had only tried it for a short while when I realized how they prepared food seemed equally as time-consuming as making homemade purees. I was uncomfortable with how big of food slices you were to give your kid, BUT I learned that babies can handle a lot more foods than we think. I became emboldened to venture out into proteins, allergen foods, and things I wouldn’t have dreamed of feeding Liam because I learned they could handle it. So I found a middle ground. Explore more foods, but keep doing purees or offer Cheerios until he can get his pincher grasp down. It has been a much more peaceful experience.

My second child is helping me refine my process, so don’t be afraid to explore a little to see if something is more suited to you or your little one’s needs. Don’t allow yourself to get trapped in a box of we must have this or we must do that. Instead, ask the Lord how He is providing for you and your needs in every season. He doesn’t require you to use a particular step-by-step process. He’s asking you to actively get to know each of your kids through cultivating intimacy with Him. Choosing how to do things with your spouse is a consistent conversation of choosing your lifestyle and prioritizing within it.

Cultivate clarity

A key question is; “Lord, how are you calling me to parent in this season?” Life ebbs and flows. Sometimes you’re so busy you can’t see straight, other times you’re bored out of your mind, and there are a lot of variations in between. Consistently seeking Him is how you cultivate clarity on how you spend nap times, how many sports kids do, and what kind of school they go to. Despite what some of us want, it is not one-and-done. There’s a new stage to contend with for each kid as they develop and each time you hit a snag, God wants to be the one you talk to for a solution.

Before getting wrapped up in the idea that this means a long period to pray and journal, I understand that’s a luxury most moms don’t have. This is a question you can phrase throughout the day, at the moment, as if this were regular conversation because it is. Soon the promptings of the Spirit become second nature and you don’t even have to use words. You’ll understand exactly what you’re to do with whatever time you’re presented. You’ll also begin to see pockets of time set aside to do as you’re prompted. Consistent conversation with your spouse and the Lord both individually and together is how you begin to cultivate clarity on the mission, purpose, and flow of your family life.

Openness and Receptivity to Growth

I understand the urge to want true consistency so you can easily navigate other desires in your life. Just know I fight this impulse frequently. I am a person who could do the same things in the same order every single day of my life. Parenthood is the perfect refinement program, but we have to be willing and open to see that paths may change or circumstances may be unexpected. This is all okay. I grow more convinced that the Lord gives you specific children with specific temperaments to emphasize a certain season He has you in. 

For instance, instead of googling, I ask my mom and mother-in-law for advice to see how they’ve handled their circumstances when I need help. I try each of their suggestions (more often than not they’re similar) and usually either one or a combination works for my kids. I try to keep in mind that they’re fifty percent of both families which means that these solutions are more likely to work.

An example of openness to growth has been my oldest’s journey to sleeping on his own. Around six months, he just wouldn’t fall asleep because he didn’t want to miss out on everything around him. So we started exploring ways to help him learn to sleep on his own. When I say I tried everything, I did. Eventually, he had to learn by repetition of routine and he cried for about eighteen months, until he was finally in a big boy bed. We warmed up milk, turned down the lights, kept the routine simple, gave fifteen-minute warnings, and even got a weighted blanket. The blanket became the game changer. But that took up until he was just over two years old. It was A LOT of growth. The Lord taught us a lot about ourselves, Liam, and expanded our ability to keep searching for solutions especially as we brought a second kid into the world.

There’s a lot of noise around parenting these days, but the reality comes down to these three things. Not allowing ourselves to get trapped in parenting boxes gives us the ability to be flexible when new temperaments and situations arise. Cultivating clarity is twofold because not only are we going to the Creator for solutions and answers, but we’re also drawing nearer to the heart of the Father. This shifts our perspective toward what He wants to offer us. Openness and receptivity to growth allow us the ability to provide for each of our children specifically. They’re all such unique beings. Doing so then serves as an example to them that they should always strive to seek solutions and be willing to grow as opposed to staying stagnant or choosing not to try something new for the sake of comfort. 

The more we seek God, the more we find what we’re looking for, and the more we can cultivate the world we want to live in starting with our children which radiates to their children, and so on.