Testimony: The Transforming Power of God’s Love
I am bewildered.
When I look around me I see so many others seeking, but not finding. Thinking they might always be wandering. It prompts me to reflect on my circumstances. I chose not to “live out my twenties”. I chose to be a wife and a mother instead. I spend my days teaching, cleaning, rocking, and cooking. Kissing tiny cheeks, deterring tantrums, and seeking knowledge about this demanding job, all in a day’s work. However, I feel like I shouldn’t be. So many things have changed in four years. I have been so radically transformed that it almost seems like I lived two different lives.
How is it that a girl who once adored pasta and processed foods now grows her own?
How is it that a hair dye addict suddenly has her natural hair back? Hair that is long, luscious, healthy, highlighted by time in the sun instead of the touch of a hairdresser? Wisps of hair framing her face, almost like bangs, earned by subsequent pregnancies?
How did she go from emo, in crop tops, black, leather, studded belts, and gauges to overalls, Ariat, and Redwings? Riding combines, butchering chickens, and collecting fresh eggs?
How did a girl with a skull tattooed on her hip become a homemaker who wears a veil every Sunday?
These are questions that I still fail to answer.
It bewilders me.
But I have come to one conclusion. Jesus REALLY CAN DO ANYTHING. In the radical span of two weeks, the Lord swooped in. Doing unimaginable changes to my heart and wrapping me in the splendor of His plan. It was shown to me that I spent my time much like a chameleon, blending into chaotic places. I sat still, often silent and not wanting to be anything that would make me unlikeable. Yet, I let others use me, some abuse me and I used them in turn. The world revolved around me. What I wanted in life I expected to fall in my lap. I rarely did the work. I chose to alienate others that didn’t fit my mold. I can reflectively say that I was selfish, insecure, malleable, stone-cold on the outside, snarky, immature, judgmental, weak, jealous, and the list goes on.
Knowing I wasn’t in the head or heart space to embrace Him, the Lord was wise and revealed Himself slowly.
Like a clever parent, He let me try my ways, make my own mistakes, and bet on my odds. He watched with a broken heart as I dug a hole deeper and deeper. When I wouldn’t accept the help He offered, He sent friends in His stead and kept prayer warriors at the ready while offering me glimpses of His plan I would accept. Until the inevitable day came that the façade I had created, cracked.
Down it came.
My world was in shambles. Truths became lies, plans became dust. The person I thought I would marry made it known He didn’t want to be there. So I let him go. I cried out to God, “I’m done! I don’t want to fail anymore. Send me my future husband on YOUR terms. When YOU’RE ready to give him to me.” When I looked up from that prayer standing in the rubble of my chosen life was a man from my past. Tall, dark, and handsome with sparkling eyes. One who was often the enemy of my former paramours, not because of his actions, but because the Lord seemed to convict them of something I didn’t know yet. They seemed to know that they weren’t set aside for me. In the wake of chaos, he offered me friendship, discernment, and reconnection with my old self and my old church. He asked me hard questions, often buying me dinner in the process. My heart softened slowly. It warmed to the safety he offered. It gravitated to the kindness paired with confidence that he exuded. It took two weeks for God to remove any other person I perceived as an “option” off the table.
Right around the Epiphany (He has a sense of humor) I said yes to dating that man. Despite my efforts to convince him that I wasn’t the girl for him, that I might go rogue and off the rails, he called my bluff and the rest is history. The gauges shrunk back to normal size. The hair dye was bleached out and the dead hair was cut off, a physical representation of my fresh start. The leather found its way to Goodwill. It was replaced with utility wear. I reconnected with nature which led me to value hard work and subsequently myself again. This led me to more nourishing foods that also feed my household well. I learned the value of little things; small touches, kind glances, and second chances. The Lord revealed to me that TRUE JOY is in serving others and loving them the way He loves them. Self-sacrifice became the most fulfilling thing in my life. To put a label on it: Marriage and motherhood became the most fulfilling things in my life. I pray for the history I relinquished, that the people I encountered might also be transformed. I also pray frequently that the negative ripples from my actions would cease and that those I hurt would be healed in Jesus’ name.
While some things remain like tattoos and emotional scars, his powerful hand has healed me, transformed me, and breathed new life into me. Those sparkling eyes show me daily the Lord’s love for me and our babies encourage me often to embrace a more childlike style of love. This goes to show that in every season, no matter how lost you are, inviting God in will lead you to the light. I still have a long way to go. There are still many places I dare not venture to or where I’ve lost pieces of myself, but I know in time I’ll be prepared to go back there and the refining fires of God’s love will challenge me to go the distance.
Jesus be praised for Your PERFECT plan, Your PERFECT timing, and Your ENDLESS love.
